Couplehood

I want to say- I love my husband 100%. I do not know what is inside his head- what he thinks or even feels and it drives me crazy! This isn't your normal male/female stuff. Tonight when Nathan and I came home he was smiling! He even opened the door for us! 10 minutes later he is all sad and depressed and practically catatonic in the chair watching the news. I asked him what was wrong "nothing" he said and then he went to bed - where I catch him practically crying. I called the doctor and he immediately told me to give him more pills. I know he doesn't want to take anymore pills. If it were me- I wouldn't want to take the pills but I am stuck. I am to return to my work at Sorenson in 2 days- and I can't have him like this- and expect him to take care of Nathan while I am gone! UGH!!! It is driving me crazy and I feel so helpless.
Being a couple with someone with a head injury/mental illness is very stressful. Yes we have some great days. Saturday was pretty good with the parade and the Spinach festival but then in the afternoon it was clearly "too much" for him.
I really want my ol' Bud back- but when I think about it- he wasn't as active as he is now - what I mean is- involved in things. I like it when he gets involved in things that mean something to him. I teased him cuz he ordered a free Book of Mormon from the Mormons and they delivered it last week. He asked what the difference was between theirs and ours and I told him and when we were at church- he asked the Sunday School class and we talked about it and I could see Bud's brain a working. But tonight- it was a 180 turn in the wrong direction. He even used the word "depressed!" My heart aches when I see him this way. It is a dull pain that eats away at me- and I try and play the "helper" role but what can you do when the other person doesn't want to be helped? We are together for reason. I truly believe that but it is so painful sometimes. I cry on the inside a lot more lately. I try not to show my heart breaking. I am trying to remain positive for him- for our family but it is feeling more like a burden on me and it is beginning to weigh me down. Like the ox with the - thingy on his neck... I had the word in my head and I lost it as I was typing... you know what I mean! Anyway.... I will think of it when I post this thing.
I really am thinking about postponing my exam until things get better I feel so underprepared and even though it is 2 months away- I still have so much more work to do! My voicing sucks!!! I get caught up in this huge wave of nervousness. I was beginning to overcome it, when I had to take my leave from Sorenson. Now I have to get it back. I can't concentrate with Bud being in this state either. AAAAAAA!!!
Well- I need to put Nathan to bed... until next time!
-SL

Friday Night- just got paid!

I got my first official check of the 08-09 school year and I got a 37cent raise- not even enough to buy a postage stamp- but it is still a raise!

Took the boys to Chapala for dinner to celebrate! Even got a sopapilla! We are livin' high now!

I have decided to get my life in order. I got a new Franklin Covey binder and calendar and am rewrting my Mission Statement and setting goals and just plain looking at this life o' mine. ANYWAY... the binder only comes with one month's of planning pages and it is undated and an undated calendar for each month (one of my pet peeves!) so- I found out I get a discount at Franklin Covey here in town cuz I work for the state of Kansas- and I bought some refills that will be really helpful and I got a cool colorful calendar for next year and well- spent about an hour and a half in the store. I got home after running errands and realized- I got the wrong size!!! I am so mad at myself. I swore it was the compact size- but no- I bought a classic! UGH... I really want to get started and now I have to drive back over to OP and tomorrow we have plans for the whole day- and Sunday they are closed! Darn it!! Guess I have to be patient.

Tomorrow we are going to Old Settler's Breakfast at KSD and then we are going to watch the parade from KSD and then--- head to Lenexa for the Spinach Festival and then back home for naps and back to Old Settlers. Nathan is pretty excited about it. I heard there is a slight chance of rain. I hope not.

I started going to a new Bible Study group this week. It is with other people at KSD and a few others from the Deaf Community. I get to observe other people's signing which is great! I get to know others in the Deaf Community as well.

Bud had to stay home Thurs and Friday because he is having blurry vision. This medicine is driving him crazy. He had a fit this week because I "over-helped" him. He thinks I am a freakin' mind reader. He has this agenda in his head and if I don't follow it- he blows up and walks out of the room. Like I am supposed to know what he is thinking!!! WHATEVER!!!

Did not get cleaning done like I wanted. A goal I am working on- but will get it accomplished hopefully Sat night or Sunday. Sunday we are going to Bonner to church and we have the offertory.

I really, really want to stay at KSD in this position. I think I can do some good there and build some permaneance there. This is the start of my 3rd year and my 5th position there. My boss Annie (from the Infirmary) gave me an employee review (she handed it to me) and I didn't even read it. She said it was all good. I should have brought it home... my head was not attached when I left today. I hope this week good things happen. I seem to be missing just a step- I forget a step or I overstep (both!) with people this week. Should have checked my horoscope.

Well- Nathan is tired and we got a busy day tomorrow- gotta clean out my car and get the stroller in it, so we don't lose the little man.

Till I decide to write again... All you expectant readers out there!!!!

Leaving Iowa

Heading home in a few hours- yes "home!"
Ended up at Red Lobster (yum!) for dinner. Mom took us and Steven out since it would have been Dad's birthday.
Little man was too tired to eat. Bud and I hung out at the hotel- playing upwords (or trying to) online together and then out of the blue- he said he wanted to go to the movies. So we saw TROPIC THUNDER! I thought it was hilarious! There were some parts I got a bit squeamish about and it is very obvious it is a BEN STILLER movie. But Bud absolutely hated it. He wanted a refund on his ticket- but I reminded him I bought his ticket! WHATEVER BUD!!!
Did not see Tania or the kids- just not enough time I guess. I will probably come up for my birthday and maybe then...
Steve is loving his job! He was all grins at dinner. It sure is nice to see him smile under that bushy beard and long hair.
Well- we trashed this hotel room and need to get to Mom's and get on the road after lunch...
Till next time....

In Iowa Again

Well- I am back in the great ol' state of Iowa. Now... my hubby doesn't agree with that statement by any means- but that is HIS problem!

Today would have been my dad's 71st birthday. So that is part of the reason- it is still hard on Mom. The other reason is I was preaching at Central Congregation of the Community of Christ here in Des Moines this morning.

Darren and Nathan hung out in the nursery- which was ok. I guess. I kinda missed the little guy disrupting my sermon and services.

I could say more- but I won't.

We went to Wendy's drive thru for lunch- and took it back to the hotel. We ate and then we got ready for the pool- Nathan had a blast!!! I even got Bud to join us. He didn't want to go at first- but he came along in the end.

Came back to the hotel room and tried to get "little man" to rest bit but we all know how a 4 yr old is when they are excited! He did lay quietly for about 20 minutes. It is snack time in our room. We just went down to the vending machines and Nathan got a Rice Krispie Bar which cost $1.00!!! I got a Kit Kat Krispy- 75cents. Got Bud-Man some chips for 75 cents which seem to be expired and an extra bag of regular LaysChips for another 75cents. I also ended up getting a diet coke for $1.00 in the can! Nathan is saying "This is the best lunch ever!" He is so giddy and silly right now!
We were to go to Runnells to visit Tania but they ended up at Adventureland and I bet it was packed since it is the last weekend of summer. She isn't back yet--- we may not see them again. I haven't seen them since May I think or maybe June.
Kinda warm out here today. So we have the A/C up really high in the room. When we eventually leave this room to take Nathan back to Mom's it will hit us for sure.
Sorry- no more pictures- I forgot the plug for my camera- and my camera card does not fit the best in this laptop. I have to shake it out of my reader.
We are leaving for KS in the morning. Gotta get back to the grind of work and pre-school and life again. Don't have any time planned to come back until January for Monster Jam at Uncle Steve's place of work.
Oh- Bud is having issues with blurry vision and we think it is related to his recent med Abilify. He still gets frustrated and most of the time- it is with me. I don't know how to help him and how to live with him and share a bed with him at night- because he sleeps till 4am or so- and by the time I get home from work- he is starving and tired. I don't know how to get in sync with him like we were before.
Still working days at KSD until further notice. I really enjoy the job but they are really piling up the work at the same time. The audiologist is real nice- but the chick I am replacing right now- did not keep up on her work for her- and I am flooded with old filing and new filing at the same time.
Well Tania just called and they are still an hour away from getting home. Better call Mom and see what her plans are...
Happy Labor Day!!!!

Life continues...

Hey everyone!
I got to go scrapbooking on Friday! I stayed out till 3am! Almost all of my ladies showed up too! It was great!
Saturday we went to Lake Olathe and Nathan played... but that was after we went to "EnDonald's" for lunch -so Bud and I can get the scrapbookers website going.... anyway--- had a great family day.
Sunday I chose not to go to church. Nathan was still sleeping at 9:30am- and I just didn't have the gumption to go. It was still a busy day. I got the grocery shopping done ad then cooked pizza burgers and then took decorations to the Infirmary and Nathan came along and we got home and he went straight to bed. IN OUR BED!!! So we got him in his own bed.
Bud used to like it when I would snuggle up next to him- but now he is complaining about it. So I am getting on my side and staying there. Kinda hard to get used to.
BUT---AT LEAST HE IS TELLING ME- not just expecting me to read his mind- or already know how he feels. That is something he is working on. He seems to be doing GREAT on this new med. WAHOO!!!!
Going to Iowa for Labor Day- gotta preach there. OOPS!! I need to get started on my sermon. I am thinking about taking a leave of absence until January on being in charge or preaching anywhere- since I am studying for my KS Interpreter exam (NOV 20th) and then working at Sorenson and working days at KSD. But I gotta do it- got too many bills.
Well- better put my boy to bed - and work on my sermon. Till next time!!!

Hope?

Well, I haven't written again for awhile which is because I am burning the candle at both ends- AGAIN!
Nathan and I went to the Iowa State Fair last weekend.

Bud chose to go to his parents place. So I sent him some pictures on the phone and we chatted. When we returned home on Sunday- something was wrong. We have spent the week back at doctors. Today- Darren went back into the hospital. Darren is a good man deep down- He just isn't himself these days and he wants help and wants to be better. I am still sad- I love him so much and it hurts to see him in this state and know that he is so unsure of the future- all we know is that both of us want him better.

Here is Nathan enjoying a corn dog. He got to ride a school bus over to the fairgrounds. Gram came along with us.

She did great- hanging with us all day- and all the walking. We rented a stroller- but the wheels didn't work so great. We had to "pop wheelies" in order to turn corners. We got done- we were sore from the shoulders all the way down to our ankles!

Nathan had his last week of bowling. They handed out awards and had a "rock n bowl" time- he had more fun dancing than he did bowling. His highest game all season was 84. He only bowled a 44 this week.

Here he is relaxin'. He has 6 free bowling games to use up from this last week- so we are going to go bowling on Saturday since Daddy is gone.

Sunday I have to work Enrollment Day at KSD so he is going to go over to a friend's house and spend the day. I have put Sorenson VRS on hold for now- I can't work both jobs with Bud gone and even though we desperately need the money- I just have to wait. This was supposed to be my last week in training. But- again- it will have to wait.

As far as KSD goes- I am working as the Related Services Secretary until October. I get to keep my benefits until then. If the secretary returns- I have to go back to overnight at the infirmary or find a new job. If she does not return I have the option of applying for her position and getting interviewed and then possibly get the job. So- it gives us more time to get Bud all healed up.

Well, I think I have chatted enough. Thanks for reading. Please pray for Darren and his doctors.

More Life Lessons...

What is Sherry up to now?

Well- Bud went back to work today!! WOO Hoo!! Nathan is at school and having a water play day which is good because the heat index today will be near 100. I go to Sorenson at 11 today and work till 4.

I have been totally trying to find a daytime job. I interviewed for one at KSD earlier this week, but did not get it. My boss Annie called me and said that our department's secretary has been out of work and we need a secretary right away. So I went to KSD yesterday to see what was going on.

I was told the secretary could show up for work anytime. I was cleared to fill in for her but- if school starts and she isn't back I have to resign from the CNA position and continue to work for her until she returns and then I am "out!" or I can work for her till school starts and go back to nights. So pretty much- I have 2 weeks to decide what to do if she isn't back yet. They are going to let me continue to take Nathan to his bowling - since he has two weeks left.

Bud is doing so much better! I love him so much and am proud of him to fight this- I want him to feel good. I want him to succeed!

I am still planning on going to the Iowa State Fair next weekend. Hard to believe that summer is almost over. I have that trip and one more for Labor Day planned to Iowa. Labor Day weekend I am preaching up there.

Here is my little rocker! He was playing at his girlfriends house and was singing his ABC's. Gram bought him this little bowling kit from Target and he expects everyone to play with him. He definitely has bowling on the brain.

--Better end it here- will post more later.

-----thanks for reading.