Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sleep Huh?

Ok so it is Thursday morning- my sleep count for the week (since Sunday) is 16!!
I slept on an off today- waiting to hear back from the bank. The bank called a few times for clarification on my paperwork. Then I watched Big Brother 9 and developed a severe headache- bordering a migraine.
I told Nathan "Mommy HAS to lay down- please don't bother me." He respected it- and the next thing I know Bud turns on our bedroom light and announces it is 11:30!!! AAAAA!!!
I was going to go into work at 11:30 and help the LPN study her signs for sign class. I was also going to go to QT and get my Rooster Booster and Dew and another container of oil for the car. Well that was out of the question. I quickly gathered up a set of scrubs and got them on and headed out the door. Not even a shower!!! EWWW!!!
I got to work to find we had a kid spending the night- so no more rest for me. I need to vacuum too but I'm afraid this kid will wake up- he has some hearing.
tomorrow- it is a no sleep day too--- My Mom is helping me get this car. She is giving me some of my inheritance a bit early and is sending it via overnight mail. I have to sign for it, and then deposit it and wait for the dealership to call. I did call them today and they said I pretty much have the loan. The guy handling it had a family emergency and had to leave work early but would be back in the morning.
So-- I cleaned out the car today- and found water in my "spare tire" container. Kind interesting. My dashboard is coming off in pieces. It will be nice to have a fresh car! ha ha ha! I was cleaning up around Nathan's carseat and found some wet napkins were stuck to the floor and when I finally lifted them up- MOLD!!! EWWWW!!!
This new car I hereby vow to keep a much better care of the inside- and the engine! I can't believe I am driving a newer car! Although I truly loved my suzuki!!!
Well- I have some cleaning to do around here tonight and definitely want to get out of here on time in the morning.
-hasta winebago baby (as my sister would say)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Another Death and possible Life

Ok-finally accepting this life again...right?



Well- I left work today to head over to the new job to exchange some books I borrowed that I needed to study for my upcoming exam- and my "Check Engine" light is on and my engine is riding real rough. So I change my mind... I go home.

I can't sleep because I am worried about my car. It is just a hunk of metal right? Not my car!!! This car I bought on my own. I did it while my parents were on vacation back in 2000. This is the car that faithfully took me to Iowa and back hundreds of times when my sister was so ill and when my mom had her accident, and when I needed "to go home!" I love this car!!!



I get teased about this car- because it is a station wagon- but I love this car!!! My son loves it now because it is a Suzuki. His favorite monster truck this week is Suzuki!!



Anyway- I didn't sleep. I took it to the repair shop down the street. It is in major disrepair! It is going to cost $3000 to get it up and running properly. This car of mine- has 138,000 miles on it. It is a 1998. So I thought about it long and hard and talked to Bud- but Bud was not thrilled.



I went car shopping!!! I went back to where I got my Suzuki. Everything was too expensive or too small. So I thanked the seller, and went to another dealer. I saw online this place had a mini-van. Now- I really didn't want to look at mini-vans but it was in the price range. The mileage wasn't great on it... But anyway- I find out later it is sold. But the dealer here is working really hard on selling a 2006 Ford Taurus. This one has 24,000 miles on it!!! It is in my price range I think... I get over to the credit department to apply for the loan for it and of course it is 6pm so the banks are all closed. I am really sweating now!!!!

I hope I can get this loan- I hope I can afford it!!! I am needing to go to Iowa a few times this summer. I need reliable transportation!



Anyway- here is a pic of the car.
I am a bit nervous about this whole deal. It is a big financial purchase for me. I am still trying to get out debt from when Bud and I were not working. We really don't need a car payment right now!!! But life hands you lemons- you gotta make lemonade - right?
-That's all for now!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Life...

From dictionary.com
life 1.
the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.
2.
the sum of the distinguishing phenomena of organisms, esp. metabolism, growth, reproduction, and adaptation to environment.
3.
the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
4.
a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
5.
the general or universal condition of human existence: Too bad, but life is like that.
6.
any specified period of animate existence: a man in middle life.
7.
the period of existence, activity, or effectiveness of something inanimate, as a machine, lease, or play: The life of the car may be ten years.
8.
a living being: Several lives were lost.
9.
living things collectively: the hope of discovering life on other planets; insect life.
10.
a particular aspect of existence: He enjoys an active physical life.
11.
the course of existence or sum of experiences and actions that constitute a person's existence: His business has been his entire life.
12.
a biography: a newly published life of Willa Cather.
13.
animation; liveliness; spirit: a speech full of life.
14.
resilience; elasticity.
15.
the force that makes or keeps something alive; the vivifying or quickening principle: The life of the treaty has been an increase of mutual understanding and respect.
16.
a mode or manner of existence, as in the world of affairs or society: So far her business life has not overlapped her social life.
17.
the period or extent of authority, popularity, approval, etc.: the life of the committee; the life of a bestseller.
18.
a prison sentence covering the remaining portion of the offender's animate existence: The judge gave him life.
19.
anything or anyone considered to be as precious as life: She was his life.
20.
a person or thing that enlivens: the life of the party.
21.
effervescence or sparkle, as of wines.
22.
pungency or strong, sharp flavor, as of substances when fresh or in good condition.
23.
nature or any of the forms of nature as the model or subject of a work of art: drawn from life.
24.
Baseball. another opportunity given to a batter to bat because of a misplay by a fielder.
25.
(in English pool) one of a limited number of shots allowed a player: Each pool player has three lives at the beginning of the game. –adjective
26.
for or lasting a lifetime; lifelong: a life membership in a club; life imprisonment.
27.
of or pertaining to animate existence: the life force; life functions.
28.
working from nature or using a living model: a life drawing; a life class. —Idioms
29.
as large as life, actually; indeed: There he stood, as large as life. Also, as big as life.
30.
come to life,
a.
to recover consciousness.
b.
to become animated and vigorous: The evening passed, but somehow the party never came to life.
c.
to appear lifelike: The characters of the novel came to life on the screen.
31.
for dear life, with desperate effort, energy, or speed: We ran for dear life, with the dogs at our heels. Also, for one's life.
32.
for the life of one, as hard as one tries; even with the utmost effort: He can't understand it for the life of him.
33.
get a life, to improve the quality of one's social and professional life: often used in the imperative to express impatience with someone's behavior.
34.
not on your life, Informal. absolutely not; under no circumstances; by no means: Will I stand for such a thing? Not on your life!
35.
take one's life in one's hands, to risk death knowingly: We were warned that we were taking our lives in our hands by going through that swampy area.
36.
to the life, in perfect imitation; exactly: The portrait characterized him to the life.





WOW- 36 entries for LIFE!




I have decided to walk away from death- and talk of death. If a tv show mentions it- the channel gets changed. If the song on the radio or dj mentions death- it gets changed. If a preacher mentions it in the sermon- I leave the sanctuary! I can't sit for it anymore.

One thing I learned as a Full-Time Minister for the church- if you don't agree with something that is being done or said- you have the FREEDOM to disagree and to not participate. I learned about this- after our church came out with a new hymnal- a small gold one- there are about 50 songs in it I think... The church I worked at- loved to use the hymn "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High." EVERY SUNDAY-AFTER SUNDAY!!! I finally decided- I didn't have to sit for it. I would get up and leave while they sang it. I took youth groups to corporate worships and if it was sung- I left. I even left campfires if it was sung.

Anyway- I am now doing that with the topic of "death"

I dug through our "flower garden" this weekend - here is the before picture.Look how "drab" this place looks!!!
After meeting Bud at the tax office- and eating dinner at New Fortune Chinese Buffet. Nathan and I high-tailed it to Home Depot on Friday night (before they closed) and got some flowers. Funny- he did not pick purple flowers like he had talked about all week...

I pulled up lots of brown dried leaves and twigs and yucky stuff out of the ground. I found a few worms which Nathan freaked out at. But surprisingly- as I pulled up and threw away the brown dead stuff- I found green growth underneath!!! As I pulled up and removed more and more I noticed the areas I cleared- the green really shot up and stood up at attention! It was a great feeling - knowing that removing that stuff- was freeing the growth underneath to happen!!!
These might be weeds- but I don't care they represent "new life!"
This is what it looks like now!
It seems a bit brighter don'tcha think?
These are the flowers Nathan picked out. What do you think?

These are the ones I picked out!
Then- we got Nathan's bike fixed- he can finally reach the pedals!! So I helped him ride it a bit, then Daddy helped him ride it! He is growing up so quickly!!!


So all in all- this weekend was pretty productful ---
Oh yes- Nathan has stayed dry for the week- even without Pull-Ups during the overnight!!! I never thought it would happen and it finally did!
I am finally coming out of the dark!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Death

DEATH- according to http://www.dictionary.com/
–noun
1.
the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death.
2.
an instance of this: a death in the family; letters published after his death.
3.
the state of being dead: to lie still in death.
4.
extinction; destruction: It will mean the death of our hopes.
5.
manner of dying: a hero's death.
6.
(usually initial capital letter) the agent of death personified, usually represented as a man or a skeleton carrying a scythe. Compare Grim Reaper.
7.
Also called spiritual death. loss or absence of spiritual life.
8.
Christian Science. the false belief that life comes to an end.
9.
bloodshed or murder: Hitler was responsible for the death of millions.
10.
a cause or occasion of death: You'll be the death of me yet!
11.
Archaic. pestilence; plague. Compare Black Death. —Idioms
12.
at death's door, in serious danger of death; gravely ill: Two survivors of the crash are still at death's door.
13.
be death on, Informal.
a.
to be excessively strict about: That publisher is death on sloppily typed manuscripts.
b.
to be snobbish about or toward.
c.
to be able to cope with easily and successfully: The third baseman is death on pop flies.
14.
do to death,
a.
to kill, esp. to murder.
b.
to repeat too often, to the point of becoming monotonous and boring: That theme has been done to death.
15.
in at the death,
a.
Fox Hunting. present at the kill.
b.
present at the climax or conclusion of a situation.
16.
put to death, to kill; execute.
17.
to death, to an extreme degree; thoroughly: sick to death of the heat.
[Origin: bef. 900; ME deeth, OE déath; c. G Tod, Goth dauthus; akin to ON deyja to die1; see -th]
—Synonyms 1. decease, demise, passing, departure.
—Antonyms 1. birth, life.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.


***This word seems to be looming over me lately. I have a friend who is in Hospice and we aren't sure when she will pass on - she is 36 yrs old and has 2 young children.

My Spiritual Mentor died two weeks ago.

5 yrs ago my sister died.

A yr ago my dad died.

I listen to the radio KLOVE (Christian music) and they are currently playing 2 songs which deal with death or what happens after death.

My laptop "dies" regularly- and the battery does not stay charged very long. The plug is damaged somehow- but still it "dies!"

I was watching "Family Guy" and they had 2 episodes with "Death" in it.


I was cleaning the bathrooms at work and listening to my puny mp3 player and it died.

My blackberry died last week- had to switch it out.


What next?
I'm really feelin' it- It is bringing me down. I don't want to deal with it at all. I wish death was not an option. I wish we all died on the same day- so no one missed another person.
I think the weather here in KS is not helping my "death mode" either.
I have decided (per Nathan's request) that later today we are going to go shopping for bright flowers to plant in our front yard! Nathan wants purple one. He tried to tell me I liked "black" flowers. (another reference to death?)
I just don't know how to handle all this... I don't want to hear or see that word! I want to see LIFE!! I want to live- I want my friends to live too!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I give up!

I give up! Nothing is going right- I hate my life right now.
I hate working nights- I am TIRED! I taught my last Sign language class on Tuesday and am already missing it.
I told hubby I wanted to watch SuperBad THIS WEEKEND- what does he do? He takes the remote and turns it on right then and there! I had an hour until I had to leave for work tonight- I absolute hate watching a movie in parts- I want to sit down and watch it all or not at all. AAA!
I finally got up and went to the basement.
Nathan was playing in the bathroom most of the night- not sure what is up with him.
I cooked, and did laundry and tried to pick up stuff around the house- but when you have a 3 yr old that gets everything back out- it seems so pointless.
I am tired of the shots and pills related to my type 2. I am trying so hard to be better but I just can't control it anymore.
I'm tired of people I am close to- being sick and having to deal with possible surgeries and/or death. It makes me not want to be close to anyone anymore.
What if something happens to Bud or Nathan or even my Mom and Nephew and Brother... I just don't want to face it- not now- not ever.
What if it is me- what would I do? I don't know if I could handle it.
I am really getting sleepy. gonna go crash for a bit.