Couplehood

I want to say- I love my husband 100%. I do not know what is inside his head- what he thinks or even feels and it drives me crazy! This isn't your normal male/female stuff. Tonight when Nathan and I came home he was smiling! He even opened the door for us! 10 minutes later he is all sad and depressed and practically catatonic in the chair watching the news. I asked him what was wrong "nothing" he said and then he went to bed - where I catch him practically crying. I called the doctor and he immediately told me to give him more pills. I know he doesn't want to take anymore pills. If it were me- I wouldn't want to take the pills but I am stuck. I am to return to my work at Sorenson in 2 days- and I can't have him like this- and expect him to take care of Nathan while I am gone! UGH!!! It is driving me crazy and I feel so helpless.
Being a couple with someone with a head injury/mental illness is very stressful. Yes we have some great days. Saturday was pretty good with the parade and the Spinach festival but then in the afternoon it was clearly "too much" for him.
I really want my ol' Bud back- but when I think about it- he wasn't as active as he is now - what I mean is- involved in things. I like it when he gets involved in things that mean something to him. I teased him cuz he ordered a free Book of Mormon from the Mormons and they delivered it last week. He asked what the difference was between theirs and ours and I told him and when we were at church- he asked the Sunday School class and we talked about it and I could see Bud's brain a working. But tonight- it was a 180 turn in the wrong direction. He even used the word "depressed!" My heart aches when I see him this way. It is a dull pain that eats away at me- and I try and play the "helper" role but what can you do when the other person doesn't want to be helped? We are together for reason. I truly believe that but it is so painful sometimes. I cry on the inside a lot more lately. I try not to show my heart breaking. I am trying to remain positive for him- for our family but it is feeling more like a burden on me and it is beginning to weigh me down. Like the ox with the - thingy on his neck... I had the word in my head and I lost it as I was typing... you know what I mean! Anyway.... I will think of it when I post this thing.
I really am thinking about postponing my exam until things get better I feel so underprepared and even though it is 2 months away- I still have so much more work to do! My voicing sucks!!! I get caught up in this huge wave of nervousness. I was beginning to overcome it, when I had to take my leave from Sorenson. Now I have to get it back. I can't concentrate with Bud being in this state either. AAAAAAA!!!
Well- I need to put Nathan to bed... until next time!
-SL